Sometimes I miss my life before kids

Before you throw your “How dare you” listen anyone who knows me personally knows that I would do anything for my children. Honestly anything. But sometimes I feel like running away, sometimes I just feel so tired and alone.

Parenting is amazing and crazy and exhilarating all at the same time, knowing that you made the future doctors, nurses, firefighters, vets, plumbers, carpenters, landscapers.

At the same time it can be exhausting. Which I know we all feel guilty about feeling that way.

We all don’t want to talk about this part of parenting. We are all scared of being judged Or being told that we are ungrateful. I am raising these 4 beautiful children. I get the pleasure of doing this!

Honestly we all have thought this, or you will at some point. You feel like you can’t go anywhere just you. You’ll feel trapped, Always having someone there 24 7 depending on you. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be my best self because I am always tired or missing my freedom.

I miss being able to just leave the house without having to get ready 2 hours before leaving because you know the kids will take that long. I miss being able to be like “I will take a nap” or binge watch my favourite show without someone asking 29038402398423 questions.

My husband and I never have a moments peace together, and when we do we are both so tired that we can barely stay awake for a full movie. Pretty sure we watch the same movie over again because we are never able to finish it. I wonder what kind of couple we would be without kids? What would we do? Where would we be? Not sure we know each other on that level anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t even remember who I was before kids. I love being a mom. But I miss being able to just say I need to get my eyebrows done and book an appointment and just go, not have to worry about maybe that money can go towards the kids, or what if the kids have something going on that day and have to schedule myself around them.

When my husband and I on a rare occasion get to go out just the 2 of us, we feel guilty that we are watching a movie, or eating in a restaurant because we know the kids would enjoy being here too.

One day the kids will be older and doing things on their own and I know that I am forever going to worry about them.

The point is, that you’re not alone, its okay to take that me time, it’s okay to feel like you don’t have it all together, its okay to miss those parts of you, it’s okay for you and your husband to go on the date!

We need to be okay with admitting those parts of parenting

You’re not a bad mom or dad for feeling this way, sometimes all this is really really hard.

I see you…

Hi mom standing in line with screaming kids telling you that this is taking to long… I see you

Hi mom trying to put screaming kids in a carseat… I see you

Hi mom with kids pulling at your arm, another one running around the soccer field while you are trying to watch your other kid play soccer… I see you

Hi mom trying to hold your tears and frustration  in because you have had enough… I see you

I see you all 

We all have been there, or are there right now. Being a parent is hard, being a mom is for sure HARD.

We have to hold is all in, hold ourselves together because we know someone little is watching us.

I will confess something, I am not always good at being a mom. I know some days I totally suck. Every day I make mistakes.

Sometimes I yell when I know you are just looking for some attention and I should be sensitive.

Sometimes I mistake you wanting a hug for you wanting attention.

Sometimes I miss something when I should be paying attention.

But let me tell you something, it is easy to sit there and think of all the negative things that we have done, or not have done.

Think of the things that you have forgot to do, or should have done differently

Just remember you are doing the best you can with what you have!

You’ve got this!

The last one

I have been through this many times, once with my now 10 year old, again with my now 8 year old…

First day of school

But this time it is different. This time whole bunch of different emotions that I cannot begin to explain them.

Our last child, our baby is starting JK (Junior Kindergarten)

I am happy, excited, sad all these emotions. I am excited for him because I know he wants to start school so bad. Sad because no more kids at home. No more first child starting school. He is no longer a baby. Which I knkw he hasnt been for awhile but I could still hold on to that since there was no school.

I know he will be okay, because hes smart and outgoing and full of life and a ball of energy. Plus his 3 other siblings at school will watch over him.

I know he is ready…but am I ready? Am I ready to have a empty house during the day? Am I ready to not have someone asking me a million questions during the day? eating lunch alone?

Yes and no

Yes, peace sounds so good dont get me wrong. The house will be clean (until they get home) all the house work done right away without it taking forever since I have to stop every 2 mins.

No. Because what if he needs me? I don’t want quiet, I don’t want him to grow up just yet. I dont want to come go realization that no more babies.

I will miss my partner in crime. But I know he will be okay.

“It’s like you’re a single mom”

No.

My husband works long hours, but I am not a single mother.

I stay home with the kids, that is apart of our relationship. He goes to work and I take care of the kids during the day. We are a team.

Single mothers go through so much and I praise them for that. At the end of the day I have a partner that comes home and helps me. They do not. They do everything themselves.

I do not consider myself a single mother just because he isn’t home as much as I would like him to be. He makes sure that we have money and works really hard for that.

“I don’t know how you do it all, your husband works so much it’s like you’re a single mother”

No, my life is nothing like a single parent, I have a very hard working husband!

I have a partner, a teammate, that I can call onto and help me get through the day when the kids are being crazy that day, or when I am not feeling well I can ask him for help.

When he gets home, he makes sure to ask me “Is there anything you need me to do” or he goes and does his second job that he does from home.

I hope my kids know, that they have a hardworking father to make everything he can to provide for us to have a happy, healthy life.

I do crafts with the kids, take them to parks. The zoo, shopping to get bubbles and toys for outside. My husband works hard for me to make those memories.

The thing is while I am making those memories he is at work wishing that he could be here having those memories too.

Honestly to say that I am a single mother puts down all the hard work that he does for us every single day.

Yes, I do feel overwhelmed that he is not here.

When he does get home, he makes sure that he get’s those memories in as fast as he can before bedtime. Baths, plays with the kids. Outside work. Listens to the 239823094823 stories that the kids have to say. Even though he wants to sit down after a long hard day. He doesn’t.

So no. I am not a single mother. 

Mommy is so tired!

“I am tired”

Those words I say on a regular basis…

Honestly I feel like that is all I am, I am just running on coffee. It’s pretty much my life line.

I remember growing up. I could stay up til

l 3 am doing who knows what, and I would be fine in the morning. Now I find myself going to bed at 9 Pm and feel like I need more sleep. At this point I think I am just permanently tired.

Motherhood is tiring.

Those people that say “You’re a stay at home mom” you must have so much time and relax” That’s amusing I wish I did!

I for sure look the part though, hair in a messy bun, PJs to the school drop off. Coffee in my hand trying not to loose my mind. Looking like I have completely given up.

“Why are you so tired” I hear a lot

Well honestly I don’t think I ever stop, and if I do its only for a minute or less until someone needs something.

I get up in the morning, go knock on the girls door, wake them up. One gets in the shower “Don’t forget your towel” go pour myself a coffee, “I forgot my towel” go grab the towel. Go back to my coffee sip it. Go tell the next child to get in the shower “Don’t forget your towel” Go back into the kitchen poor the cereal, “I forgot my towel” and this goes on on more time. make lunch, brush hair. Make sure everyone has socks. Get the youngest dressed and out the door.. meanwhile someone can’t find something, mostly my oldest. She always looses her glasses.

Come home, drink my cold coffee that I did not have time to drink before, laundry, dishes. Pick up 249823094823 toys that some how always go back into the same spot that I picked them up the night before. How they have time to make a mess in a short period of time is beyond me.

As I am writing this I had to get up 17 times to help my youngest find something, potty, 239847234 snacks I swear. Make sure I eat because sometimes in the hustle and bustle I forget to eat.

Grab the kids, snack. After school programs. Get home dinner. More laundry, tidy up. Make husbands lunch. More laundry. Pick up more toys that yet again are in the same spot. Get the kids to bed, Running around like a chicken and its head cut off, “Get your PJ’s on!” “Brush your teeth” “I said PJ’s not build a book fort” Finally they are in bed time for a book that some reason the chapters are so long I feel like I am reading the whole novel. Shower somewhere in between all this. Sometimes.. Ill admit that I don’t shower as much as I should. When do I even have time and when I do let’s face it someone needs something opened or lost something or just knocking on the door because they need a hug.

9pm… is it bed yet? Throw the last load of laundry in the drier just so it doesn’t get the musty smell. Finally lay down, but my brain wont shut off… thinking of all the things that needed to be done, need to be done tomorrow. Oh crap did anyone have homework? when was that permission form suppose to be in? Did I turn on the dishwasher?

The thing is it’s not just the fear of not getting things done… it’s the fear of how are my kid’s doing in life? Will they grow up to be good people? Am I doing enough? Are they being bullied? Are they bullies themselves? Are they keeping secrets about something that happened at school?

Ugh, the fear of the unknown is exhausting!

I am tired of always being needed, yet being completely invisible.

I am tired of “Mom, have you seen my glasses” “Where is my shirt that has the unicorn on it” “Whats for dinner” “Can I have a snack” “I am hungry”

Everyone has clean laundry, the bills are paid. The dishes are done. Everyone doctors appointments made. Everyone has lunches. Food in the cupboards. The garbage is put out on Thursdays.

No one see’s those things…

It is like I am a maid, a cook, a referee and a taxi driver.

Don’t get me started on dinner time. I am so tired of trying to figure out what to have for dinner only to hear “Gross I don’t like this” and having to throw half of it away that I just spent an hour making and being proud of something new that I made. No thank yous for making us dinner either. You’re welcome by the way.

I am tired of knowing that I wont get everything done.

I am tired thinking of all the unrealistic ‘perfect mom” I will never be

I am tired of laundry, doing dishes and picking up toys.

I am tired of no one listening.

I am tired of being frustrated at my kids.

I am tired of being to tired to enjoy the pictures that they made, and the giggles and laughter and hugs and kisses

I am hoping one day, I wont be so tired. I don’t want to look back and think I was to tired to enjoy it all. That I missed so much.

Hand me downs

“I am only going to put brand name clothes on my kids.”

“Pfft hand me downs, never…”

Before you have kids you don’t realize how expensive they are going to be.

No matter what job you have they are going to suck the money right out of your pockets.

Of course we want our kids to look so darn cute in those nike kicks.

But let’s be honest here. Kids grow like bad weeds, one minute they will be in newborn and next 6 month’s out of no where. You blink and they are 6 years old. Buying clothes every 2 weeks is not in the budget.

So when my friends say “Hey, I have a bag of clothes would you like them?”

Ugh heck yes I do. I am like a kid in a candy shop. 4 kids and hand me downs is a blessing!!

Then what do you do with all those clothes that your kids grow out of?? Going through all the clothes filling up 2 garbage bags full. SO MUCH STINKIN CLOTHES.

I either donate or ask friends !!

Don’t knock it till you try it! I promise once you get out of the “I will never do hand me downs” Well April I bet you will, $50 cute snow boots and the next week they grow out of them. You’re going to be saying “Heck yes!” To those hand me downs!!

What’s wrong with your son…

Those words have never been easy to hear…

“There is nothing wrong with my son” I would say in response to that question.

In the back of your mind you know that he is different then the rest of the kids.

He doesn’t sit still for a long period of time… He doesn’t do well in social situations…

He has these crazy outbursts that make everyone around you just stare in disgust or disappointment “why cant she just handle her child” because its just so easy for you to say Karen…

My son was diagnosed with ADHD, High functioning autism

and a learning disability do to those things…

It was hard hearing those words come out of the doctors mouth… I cried thinking “Did I do something wrong?” “Was it me that did this to him?”

Now I am here, in a territory I know nothing about “What are we suppose to do now?” Here I am doing all this research trying to find what tools I can use to help him. Meal planning, medication, therapists… it’s just all overwhelming. At this point i’m feelings really alone.

On those days where he is having a real rough day… when hes sock it just not sitting right and he screams and cries and calls himself “Stupid”or he says “I hate you” because I asked him to clean  his room. Those day’s where we are in the store  with all 4 kids and he really wants that one toy  and I say no, he screams runs away in the store everyone it staring. looking at you like you have two heads… Those day’s I feel so alone.

I know there will be day’s where I wont be able to handle situations, I know there will be day’s I will cry… But I also know there will be happy day’s. His smile, his personality, his laugh.. makes all those bad days disappear…

So to answer your question Karen  Nothing.. nothing is wrong with my son.. he is perfect… Perfect for me.

I Am Not Perfect.

I’m not perfect and thats okay…

My kid’s don’t always have matching socks.

Sometimes they eat peanut butter sandwiches for dinner.

Sometimes I forget to RSVP to parties.

Sometimes they cant find their hats or mittens

Sometimes they flat out can’t find their coat.

I don’t always check the kids folders because I forget.

Sometimes I sign things without even looking at what  i am signing.

but.. I love them.. and I promise you I work so darn hard for them. and you know what in 20 years from now they wont remember mom forgot to sign their agenda. I am hoping they remember how much I did for them to make sure they were healthy and happy and have a good life.

To The Mom Who Stays Up Late

When 9:30pm changes to 12:30am as I sit up late catching up on my TV shows, and social media and finish the next few chapters of my book that I am reading. I think to myself “Man I am going to be so tired in the morning” but these moments that I am up late are the moments that I need. The moment of silence, my ‘Me Time’.

Having a house hold of 6 can be crazy, there is always someone in any room, even the bathroom you think that is a place you can go and get a minute, it is not. Either kids are knocking at the door or just flat out opening it or husband… even the dog pokes his head through the tiny crack in the door if I don’t shut it all the way.

Yes, I am still going to have to get up, after maybe only getting 5 hours of sleep. So if surviving on 5 hours sleep and lots and lots of coffee is what I have to do, to have some ‘Me Time’ I am going to do it.

I understand that there are several articles stating you can build up “sleep debt”  it can be harsh on your health which is true, But there are also ones that state “Me Time” 

 is important too.

I am not saying you have to pick one… either have sleep or me time, that’s just the time I use. If you want to keep both have some ‘Me Time’ and get your beauty sleep then do both!!

Telling your partner that I need a minute and ask him to watch the kids while you go out, I get it..  “I don’t have time for that” “when am I going to add me time into the mix of after school activities, laundry, dishes etc.” You’re going to have to make that time. Even if it’s just going to the coffee shop and sitting at a table , having a coffee and donuts, or a walk around the street.

This doesn’t mean you are “selfish” you are allowed to think of yourself once in awhile. It’s important. Taking some time for yourself is good for your kids just as much as it is good for you.

Happy mom, Happy kids.

Surviving Christmas Shopping

I never was big on shopping, even before I had kids.

Now what I mean by that I enjoy buying stuff, I just don’t enjoy going to the mall.

All these YouTube videos and commercials about all these toys that burp, fart and even some of the actually go to on the potty. Robot dogs that you can control and they walk with you like a real dog, and even things that hatch out of eggs!

Going online and you see all these parents going nuts about all the toys that are “IN” They  pay outrageous prices for these toys, lets be honest they will either break or the kids will just get bored of them or the would rather play with the box it came in.

I remember when I was younger and we got the sears wish book and my brother and I would open it and make a huge list of all the toys that we wanted. Even those our parents would only get a few things off our list, but it was still so much fun making that list. Writing to Santa letting him know what we wanted and him listening and pulling those toys out of his bag.

That’s what I get my kids to do, they write a list to Santa… of the toys that they actually want. One it helps them with writing and spelling and it gets their imagination going and excitement to write Santa a letter. Also it helps my husband and I with knowing what to actually buy them. We can walk into the store with a list and confidence knowing what stores we can go in grab what we want and leave.

Instead of hunting down that really big toy thats in, ask your child what they would like for Christmas. Ask them to write a letter to Santa and watch the excitement on their faces. Yes their list might be several pages long, and you might not understand some of the words they are trying to spell, but it will make them happy, and hey maybe pretend to mail it and write a letter back pretending to be Santa saying “I got your letter”

It’s not about how much money to spend on your child, its how much time you spend with them.