Dear bullies, Thank you.

In our public school there weren’t the popular kids and the unpopular kids. It was a small town and everyone knew everyone. Everyone was invited to each other’s birthdays because our parents grew up with each other and honestly we were young and innocent and hate wasn’t even thought of. 

Once we made it to high school that is when it all changed. There were clicks. Everyone went into their little groups. Band kids, jocks, popular girls and computer people. I trotted into school like everything was going to be the same. I was wrong. 

The popular girls never bothered me, they stuck to themselves talking about all pretty and pink things. The ones who ended up bullying me were who I thought were my best friends. Right, I know plot twists. It all started because a boy liked me and not them. A boy of all things came between us. I never even thought twice about pursuing it, because your girls come first right? 

They came in like a force of nature. Pushing me down in the halls, writing bad things on my locker. Spreading outrageous lies about me. The thing is they knew all my secrets, they knew exactly what would hurt me the most. 

Your worst enemies are the ones that know you the best. 

I was holding myself together with duct tape and happy thoughts. I didn’t want to go to school, I would do my best to hide.. It was a terrible feeling. I felt sick, I would barely eat anything. I refused to talk to my parents about it because I figured they wouldn’t understand. 

No matter how hard I tried to understand why they were doing these things to me, it felt like I would never belong anywhere.  

But honestly I want to thank them, of course I will never forget the pain that they put me through, I will never forget the way they made me feel like I was shit on their shoe. 

People who put others down, are suffering from a battle that we just don’t see, they are going through something that they refuse to let anyone know and project it on other people, this taught me compassion. 

This taught me to love all walks of life, to treat others the way you want to be treated no matter how they treat you. 

This taught me to look beyond what they looked like and connect with their experiences in life, to stop and listen. 

This taught me to be strong, because no matter what comes at me now, I will know how to handle it. 

This has taught me to see the signs in my kids if they are being bullied. This has taught me to know how to speak to them about bullying. 

I am not thanking them for their behaviour and I am not giving them credit for my happiness, but that experience has taught me so much. 

I am thanking them because they showed me what not to be, they showed me that no matter what pain or suffering that I go through, I will use that to be more kind, to be more passionate to be more open and listen to others suffering. 

I chose to use the darkness that surrounded me and become a flower. I outgrew your words and your hate and became the person that I wanted to be.

My kids turned into slobs, during quarantine.

I am tired of it.

My house looks like a party that I wasn’t invited to. It is always a giant mess. No matter how much I pick up, sweep, clean. 

I have always taught my kids to be respectful and clean up after yourselves. I have always taught them responsibility is key. 

But somehow that went right out the window since they have been home due to Covid 19. 

Every single day I am repeating myself constantly to pick up your wrappers, to put your dishes in the sink or dishwasher, pick up your toys. I sound like a damn broken record. 

At this point I don’t even know why I fold their laundry, because I go into their rooms and it looks like a bunch of monkeys went in rummaging through their dressers. 

I yell “If you don’t pick up these legos, I’m just going to vacuum them up!” 

Which they don’t and then I vacuum them up and honestly I don’t even think they notice. 

I have put their toys in the toy jail and I am pretty sure they are collecting dust they haven’t even noticed or care. 

Yelling “I am bored!” well I have a list of lovely things you can do! Now all of a sudden nobodies bored. 

Soon they are going to be completely out of toys and I bet you 100% they are going to somehow make a mess with 3 toys. 

I am hoping and I am praying that when this is all over or one day when they are older they will start picking up after themselves because I will not be going to their houses and cleaning… I keep repeating to myself because I have a feeling it is going to drive me up the wall if their house is a mess. 

I will continue to tell them to clean up, I will continue to tell them to respect your things… hoping one day they will get it.

True meaning behind the popular children’s book “Love you forever”

Growing up one of my favorite books my mom  read to me was

 “love you forever” by Robert munsch.  

This popular book has sold over 15 million copies. 

This book was published in 1986. 

Parents all over the world were singing the beautiful lullaby to their children.

“I love you forever, 

I will like you for always

As long as i’m living

My baby you’ll be” 

Sadly before this became a popular lullaby that parents loved to sing to their children. Robert sang to himself in his head, this lullaby to the still born baby. 

Sadly this was the second still born this couple has had. 

Robert went on saying that singing this song out loud was just way too painful and he honestly couldn’t even share it with his wife. 

Robert dedicated his life to writing children’s books and even worked in orphanages. When the doctors told the couple that they would never be able to have children they were devastated. 

The couple went on and adopted 3 children, Andrew, Julie and Tyya.

Robert said that he created this poem to help himself grieve it was his way of crying. Losing a child is devastating and we all grieve differently. 

The book is about a mother watching her boy grow up. He starts as a baby and then becomes a father himself. While he is growing up his mother becomes old and frail and the roll is reversed. 

Learning the true meaning behind this book gives me a whole new perspective. 

This is such a beautiful tribute to his children that he lost. 

There is no other loss greater than losing a child.

The honesty and pain and love that went into making this book, is probably one of the reasons it is so popular. It is real and it is raw. 

It will forever and always be my favorite book and after learning the true meaning behind it, it became 10 times more meaningful and amazing.

Distant Memories

When I was younger I felt the days went by so slow. Sitting at my desk in school, watching the clock, tick tick tick. Waiting for the bell to ring, then booking it out of the school as fast as I could. 

Summertime, daydreaming when I am finally old enough to do all the things that only adults can do. Daydreaming  by my big willow tree on my farm. It was my favorite place to be. 

Now that I have kids, I want it to slow down. Life seems to be going 100 miles per hour. Like driving in the fast lane with no cars. Never in the slow lane. 

Just busy parenting, keeping the house in order and working. I find myself often just sitting and watching the kids play in the pool. Thinking “Where did the time go?, I swear it was just yesterday they were babies” 

I will be the first to admit that I struggle to stop and smell the roses. I will be in the middle of laundry or dishes and the kids ask to play “Let me just finish these” The dishes and laundry will be there later, your kids grow up so fast. 

A first birthday is so exciting, yet you mourn the fact that your baby is growing up. To be honest for me, it seems to be every birthday. Even with 4 kids you would think that I have learned by now, they do in fact have to grow up. Not stay babies forever, since my oldest is 11. 

The pain of childbirth and holding your new baby in your hands. 

Watching them take their first steps and eating solid foods for the first time. 

No sleep and sore nipples. 

Them exploring the amazing adventures the world has to offer. 

Becomes a distant memory. 

I know I cannot stop time. All we can do is soak it all in because one day, I will miss the house being a mess, I will be sitting in my living room missing the sounds of little feet running in and yelling “Mommy, look what I did” I will miss cutting the crust of the sandwiches. I will miss this. All of this. 

I am going to try my best to take it all in. When my son wants a random hug, I will get down to his level and give him a big hug and hold him there for a minute, even if he squirms. When they ask me to play, I will set down the laundry or dishes and go and play with them. 

Don’t get me wrong I am excited to watch them grow into amazing adults and see where life takes them. — To watch their little personalities grow to be big ones. To see their drive to get their dream jobs. 

I hear people say “Make these the best days of your life!” But I don’t want these to JUST be the best days, I don’t want to be sad when it’s all done and my best days are behind us. Instead I am going to make these days happy and fun and full of life. I want to continue to have the best days when they are older too and have kids themselves. 

I am going to continue to help my children have the best tools to be able to grow up and be respectful, caring adults. 

I am going to have more movie nights with all the fixings, popcorn, chips and candy. 

I am going to put my phone down and computer down and soak in the laughter. 

I am going to make more time for myself and my husband so that we have enough energy to keep up with them. 

I want to look back at these days and remember that I enjoyed every single moment of them being babies and small kids and teenagers. I don’t want to look back and regret that I didn’t put down my phone or laundry to look at what they were doing. 

I want to look back and know that everything I did, helped shape them to be amazing adults. 

Future for our kids

What kind of world do you want for our children?

Our children are our future and their kids as well and so on. 

I know personally, I want the world to be full of life. I want humans to respect the earth and everything that it gives us. 

I want them to grow up knowing that we did everything possible to give them the best ground to live on. The best place to raise their kids. 

But how do we do that, when people continue to disrespect it? Disrespecting nature, that has given us so much. 

Everything is changing around us. We are in the whole new world of staying in our houses and only supposed to go out when it’s really needed. There are no schools and we are trying to teach our kids ourselves. 

Now that there are less people going out, our nature is healing itself from everything that humans have done. Healing itself from pollution. We are seeing more animals come out of hiding because they feel safer. 

Have you ever just sat outside. Closed your eyes and just listened? Listened to the birds singing? Listened to the sounds of the trees blowing? It is such a beautiful sound. 

This is the Walmart plaza parking lot,  My husband does the grass cutting, he has to pick up around 80 gloves.
This is the Walmart plaza parking lot, My husband picked up around 80 gloves, he does the maintenance for this property.

But yet here are some people throwing their gloves everywhere on the ground because it is so easy for them to discard them wherever instead of finding a garbage can or bringing them home and putting them in the garbage. It is disgusting. You are teaching your kids to be disrespectful, to not care. Your kids watch EVERYTHING you do. You need to lead by example and show them to help the planet, not destroy it. 

Go out and do a garden with your children, pick up garbage around your house, in your backyard. Go outside and let them listen to the sounds of nature and ask them to name the things they hear. Talk about how to protect the land they live on. 

Studies have shown that patients in the hospital that can see nature, see trees are more likely to have less pain, and recover faster compared to the ones that don’t. After spending more time outside even an hour have shown 20% better memory performance and attention spans. Trees help us have clean air. Being outside studies have shown that anxiety and depression lowers. 

The thing is nature doesn’t need us to survive, we need nature to survive. The more we just throw our garbage around the less planet we have. Our kids’ future is in our hands. Not just for schooling, not just for teaching them how to cook and clean, but to teach them to respect everything and that includes Earth. 

To my NEIGHBORS

I am really sorry about the noise. 

There was a giant octopus while the kids were looking for treasure in the ocean, but really it was just the pool. 

I am really sorry about the noise.  

There was a dragon invading the castle and the boys had to protect the girls since they were knights and the girls were princesses, but really it was just the dogs and they were on the playground. 

I am really sorry about the noise. 

There was a problem on the spaceship, they were about to crash into a planet, but really the playground was the spaceship. 

I am really sorry about the noise. 

My daughter lost her powers and the other had to search for clues as to why she lost her powers, but really they were just in the backyard searching in the grass. 

I am really sorry about the noise. 

The robbers were trying to take the diamonds in the museum and the police were chasing them, but really my sons were the robbers and my daughters were the police and they were chasing each other around the yard. 

Yes, I am sorry they are loud, but they are happy. They are outside and using their imaginations. My backyard is full of adventures. Adventures that us adults would dream about doing again. No care in the world. No bills to pay. Just constant adventures. 

I want them to stay little forever. So yes, if they are loud for a little bit, I want to continue to hear their laughter, I want to continue to hear their little voices as long as I can, because one day. It will be silent. One day they will be all grown up. Let them be young just a little longer.

Believe it or not

As a mother, when you hear the doctor tell you, your son has autism, ADHD, Social Anxiety and a learning disability your heart sinks. 

Was it something that I did wrong? Was it something that I didn’t do? 

Was it  because I let him watch TV when he was 2? 

All these things running through your head, even though you knew in your heart that something was different about him. 

While you try and convince yourself that he has all these things. I didn’t realize it was so much! 

You have to convince yourself and try to come to terms with all these new things that just got thrown at you, you now have to convince your family that all this is true. 

The constant “well he isn’t like that with me” “Wow I just don’t see it?  “Maybe he is just trying to get attention, with all those kids there you know” And the worst one “Are you sure the doctor wasn’t just saying that because they want money?” 

Well family; 

You are not there when he has those meltdowns because his schedule is slightly off. 

You are not there when he cries so hard before bed because he is scared he wont wake up.

You are not there when he says the most horrible things just to hurt me and I somehow have to figure out how to harden my heart because I know he truly doesn’t mean those things. 

You are not there when I ask him to do a simple task but then hits and kicks me and then tries to break down his door, then cries because he hurt his door. 

You are not there when he starts smacking himself in the head because he got a question wrong in school. 

You are not there when he gets so attached to a coat that you have to search every store possible to find the exact same coat and sneek when he is sleeping and change the coat so he doesn’t notice. 

When we are at family functions, we leave when he is about to have a meltdown. We watch the signs. We try to avoid as many triggers as possible so that we can all enjoy ourselves including him. 

You are not there doing a grocery shop, trying to figure out his meal plan because he needs to have different things in his diet to make sure that he lives the best possible life without having episodes. 

You were not there when I got the phone call that he tried to throw a desk and threw shoes at a teacher because she told him that he couldn’t do something. 

So yes, family. YOU might not see it, YOU might not believe it, but I can tell you with my heart that he is. 

Yes, he is the sweetest, most caring bundle of joy. With the biggest imagination possible. He is so smart when he is able to sit for more than a couple minutes. 

I am doing my best with this whole new thing. I just hope one day you will understand the lengths that I go through every day to make sure that you do not see it. That he has the best possible life. 

Dear laundry,

I have noticed you are always here lurking in the shadows.

You tend to spread throughout the house. 

You are on the floor in the bedrooms.

You are on the floor in the living room. 

Sometimes, and I mean rarely do you actually make it to the basket. 

Sometimes you are clean and end up back in the laundry room. 

You are always losing your sock partner, it’s like you don’t even care.  

I feel like you are using me, to pick you up and clean you. You can’t even be bothered to change yourself to the drier. 

You pile up so quickly, I feel like I can’t breath! 

I feel suffocated! 

I constantly have to fold you and put you away. 

Sometimes I find you hanging halfway out the dresser.

So today I have decided that we are breaking up. 

I am going to enjoy this cup of coffee, while you lay throughout the house.

I’m going to pretend you are not here later and enjoy a glass of wine. 

I am not sorry, I don’t care about your feelings. You clearly don’t care about mine. 

I bid my farewell laundry.

 Today you do not exist! 

The P Word

The P word that no one wants to talk about.  

The P word that every mother dreads. 

The P word that a lot of mothers say they won’t get it

Postpartum depression. 

It is 100% real.

It is not in a mother’s head.

It is not something you can just “get over” 

It is not something that is ‘cured overnight” 

It cannot be fixed “by getting out” more. 

The P word makes you feel sad, and cry even when you have no idea what you are upset about.

The P word make you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

The P word makes you sleep way too much.

The P word makes you eat too much, or might make you not eat at all.

The P word makes your body feel like you are in so much pain but have no idea where it is coming from.

The P word will make you have mood swings like no tomorrow.

The P word will make you feel out of control, can’t remember anything.

The P word will make you feel disconnected to your baby, this does not mean you don’t love your baby, but it may feel that way. 

The P word might happen right after your baby is born, or it might happen months later. 

You are not alone!! 

No there is nothing wrong with you, I promise you, it will get better. If you or any of your friends are feeling these symptoms, please talk about it, call your doctor, talk to your spouse, your friends. You don’t have to battle the P word alone.

Being a mother is a thankless job

Being a mother is a thankless job. 

We do the things, and don’t expect a thank you, or a good job. 

We don’t wait to be asked to do something, we just do it.

But it’s always nice to hear and when we do hear it, it makes us feel more appreciated that someone noticed that we did something, even though that something happens every day. 

Even though we have done all the things and more. I still ask myself “Did i do enough?” “Did I miss something that I should have done?”

To be seen and encouraged by the people that mean the most to you, the people that you do the most for, it’s just amazing. 

What I long to hear, and I promise it’s pretty simple spouses and children… 

“I noticed that you cleaned _____  and it looks awesome”

I am constantly cleaning the kids’ bedrooms, and the kitchen and the living room and doing the laundry, but I feel like it’s just expected and it’s kinda sad. I promise you it’s not some magical cleaning fairy. 

“Thank you mom for everything you do”

I am constantly picking up after them, constantly finding this and that. “Mom where’s my ___” the fact that you don’t even have to finish the sentence means I am paying attention more than you think

“Thank you for spending time to prepare this dinner for us”

Man, the amount of time lately that I have been making all the meals, I cannot wait till we can eat take out again without being scared. I would rather thank yous then, ew this is gross or why did you make this tonight. I wanted that. 

“Wow you have a way with the kids, you are amazing”

Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I am doing, sometimes I feel like the kids are just feral and It’s really hard sometimes to get them under control. 

“The kids and I are so lucky to have you”

I feel like I am just here to make sure the house runs smoothly, sometimes I feel like I am a robot and everyone just expects me to pick and clean up after them. 

These simple words.. These simple thank yous just make everything better, they just make it seem like you are completely appreciated in the house! 

I know they do me!