Distant Memories

When I was younger I felt the days went by so slow. Sitting at my desk in school, watching the clock, tick tick tick. Waiting for the bell to ring, then booking it out of the school as fast as I could. 

Summertime, daydreaming when I am finally old enough to do all the things that only adults can do. Daydreaming  by my big willow tree on my farm. It was my favorite place to be. 

Now that I have kids, I want it to slow down. Life seems to be going 100 miles per hour. Like driving in the fast lane with no cars. Never in the slow lane. 

Just busy parenting, keeping the house in order and working. I find myself often just sitting and watching the kids play in the pool. Thinking “Where did the time go?, I swear it was just yesterday they were babies” 

I will be the first to admit that I struggle to stop and smell the roses. I will be in the middle of laundry or dishes and the kids ask to play “Let me just finish these” The dishes and laundry will be there later, your kids grow up so fast. 

A first birthday is so exciting, yet you mourn the fact that your baby is growing up. To be honest for me, it seems to be every birthday. Even with 4 kids you would think that I have learned by now, they do in fact have to grow up. Not stay babies forever, since my oldest is 11. 

The pain of childbirth and holding your new baby in your hands. 

Watching them take their first steps and eating solid foods for the first time. 

No sleep and sore nipples. 

Them exploring the amazing adventures the world has to offer. 

Becomes a distant memory. 

I know I cannot stop time. All we can do is soak it all in because one day, I will miss the house being a mess, I will be sitting in my living room missing the sounds of little feet running in and yelling “Mommy, look what I did” I will miss cutting the crust of the sandwiches. I will miss this. All of this. 

I am going to try my best to take it all in. When my son wants a random hug, I will get down to his level and give him a big hug and hold him there for a minute, even if he squirms. When they ask me to play, I will set down the laundry or dishes and go and play with them. 

Don’t get me wrong I am excited to watch them grow into amazing adults and see where life takes them. — To watch their little personalities grow to be big ones. To see their drive to get their dream jobs. 

I hear people say “Make these the best days of your life!” But I don’t want these to JUST be the best days, I don’t want to be sad when it’s all done and my best days are behind us. Instead I am going to make these days happy and fun and full of life. I want to continue to have the best days when they are older too and have kids themselves. 

I am going to continue to help my children have the best tools to be able to grow up and be respectful, caring adults. 

I am going to have more movie nights with all the fixings, popcorn, chips and candy. 

I am going to put my phone down and computer down and soak in the laughter. 

I am going to make more time for myself and my husband so that we have enough energy to keep up with them. 

I want to look back at these days and remember that I enjoyed every single moment of them being babies and small kids and teenagers. I don’t want to look back and regret that I didn’t put down my phone or laundry to look at what they were doing. 

I want to look back and know that everything I did, helped shape them to be amazing adults. 

Where is the balance.

The realization how times have changed from when we were younger. We roamed freely. We would walk to the store along when our parents had enough of us and gave us some pennies, to grab penny candy.

We rode our bikes with our friends without our parents being right there. We wanted to walk up town for lunch, no problem.

Our parents would sit on a bench and let us play freely on the playground while reading a book or talking to their friends.

Now, modern parenting is a whole different story. It makes it hard for us ‘None helicopter moms’ we feel that we need to be RIGHT there in case of judgement.

Now parents even with older kids are hovering by the playground “oh honey, you shouldn’t use the monkey bars just in case you fall” “I will stand here while you ride your bike in the driveway”

Yes, I do realize that we are now more aware of kidnappers and people whom are bad because of social media, they were always around.

Allowing your teenager to go to the mall alone with her or his friends is out of the question. You feel guilty, you feel scared the whole time.

I find myself trying to find a balance between permissive parenting and helicopter mom.

I want my kids to be able to make those mistakes and learn their lessons but at the same time I am scared for being judged that I am not doing enough.

I struggle with all the rules that is set in place now. How our generation is ruin our kids because they should have 0 screen time, spend every single moment with them that you have, sign them up for every single spot even if they don’t like it. Celebrate every single holiday and buy them huge gifts. Wait, when did Easter become the new Christmas?

Your kids don’t get enough outdoor time. Um, I promise you if my kids could live outside in a forest they probably would.

I want my kids to have somewhat of the same childhood I did, even though I know it’s not possible now. To be completely honest trying to find a balance for that is stressing me out.

As social media gets bigger so does all the information about how we can and cannot do this and the information is back and forth.

How are we suppose to figure all this out when everything is so conflicting.

You shouldn’t have them on technology for long, yet in school that is a huge part of their learning.

You shouldn’t tell your kids that their homework is wrong, let the teacher mark it, yet you need to teach them the right answers.

You should be outside with them in your OWN backyard watching their every move, but that’s when I get my peace and able to get my housework done.

Where is the balance… where do you balance… when do we step back a little and where do we come in?

I find myself comparing everything I do to other parents, just to make sure I am doing thing’s right. Even those I know that is silly. It can drive a person mental.

The stakes are too high. There is so many rules I feel like I cannot keep up with them. I feel they are only going to get worse from here.

I can’t help but wonder if I am doing the right things, I can’t help but think am I ruining the kids by not doing or am doing these things?

Where do I find a balance?

We struggle…but weve got this

Motherhood is challenging…

We struggling with what we think is the right way to handle a situation…

We struggling with thinking are we doing everything right….

We struggle with our babies or child sleep schedule…

We struggle with our child’s tantrums….

But the thing is we get through it… We are strong, capable human beings. Even those there are plenty of days where we think we are not rocking it. We are.

We wake up in the middle of the night to feed our babies, changing diapers at 2am, 3am, 4am… Without batting an eye…

We carry a human being inside of us! And we continue to do day to day things. Some of us even care for our other children while our body is so overworked that its running on low but we do it…

We get up, get the kids bathed, dressed, fed and lunches then out the door to the bussed or to school on time, all while staying up late making sure that 22 kids in their class get their treats for the party that your child told you at the last minute they needed…

We cook, we clean, solve crimes like find the missing stuffed animal while your kid has a melt down in the corner…

Constantly being told you’re doing it wrong but so many people because you didn’t do it the way they want you too or the way they would do it, but you hold it together because your tiny humans are depending on you.

Making sure their teeth are brushed, clothes are washed and homework is done….

Even if its big or small we are getting it done. You should feel proud of yourself no matter what. Because parenting is tough. We struggle. But we win every day… Because those smiles and i love you’s make everything worth it.

Motherhood & Anxiety

I am a mom with anxiety.
No, I can’t just shut it off, No I can’t just wake up one day and it just go away.

Anxiety isn’t something that we can pick and choose what days we have it and what days we don’t.

It is not a choice.

Some days we can have the best day, we are free from it and everything is great. Some days it just creeps up on us unexpectedly and we are just left to deal with it.

We can’t just choose to be happy, or chill out when it is happening, its just not that easy, not that simple.

You will never know how it truly feels to be someone with anxiety unless you full on walk in our shoes. You will never know how it feels to be hit with darkness in the middle of something that should bring happiness, but you remembered something and it just hits you like a tons of bricks.

So before you come at us and tell us “to just chill out” please remember that anxiety is a mental illness. It is not a cold that we can just get rid of in a few days or weeks. It is not a cry for attention.

If we had a choice to not have this cloud over our heads we would. If we had a choice and could stop it from happening we would. Trust me, we would “chill out” if it were that easy.

There are so many things that I get triggered with, that just send me in a down word spiral. Which I tend to just hold in and let it unload on my husband.

Am I doing this right?
Most the time I have no idea what I am doing, I have been a mother for 10 years now and I am constantly learning new things. How do I know if the decisions that I am making are the right ones? Which bottle do I use? Crib? Co-sleeping? What foods?
what doesn’t help is everyone else shoving opinions at you like its confetti and you have no idea who is right or wrong?

  • When you think this way, remember… There is no right or wrong when it comes to parenting. Everyone has different opinions they are going to be coming at you left right and center. It is your life. Keep being you!

Is my baby / Child okay?
How do I know that everything is okay? there is a new bump? or they are not walking yet? Why are they talking yet? They are not hitting all their milestones when they should be?

  • When you become a mother you get this thing call mothers intuition, trust that because its rarely wrong. If you are having concerns about something contact your doctor to make sure nothing is wrong.

Mom guilt at its finest
Am I spending enough time with them? I spent a little to much time on my phone will that effect them? I am not buying all the cool toys that are in right now is that bad? Am I handling it right when they have tantrums?

  • I promise you, you are enough! All they want is you. Anytime that you spend with them is enough. They know that you love them. They know that you will always be there.

Comparing myself to others
Well Nancy feeds all her kids organic foods should I?
Those kids are dressed better with all name brand clothes and some of my kids are hand me downs is that bad?
They go on fancy trips and have all the neat outdoor climbers am I not giving them their best life?

  • Social media can be the devil… most of the time everyone is posting just the fun parts of their life and never the negatives. Focus on you and your family and nothing else.

There is just not enough time, they grow up so fast
I feel so guilty when I have those days that have just been so long that I am counting down till it is bed time… but they grow up so fast. Does that make me a bad mom?

  • Counting down the time till bedtime doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you human. Motherhood is intense and some days we just need a minute and that’s okay!

So before you come at someone with anxiety and tell them to “chill out” Maybe sit down with them and ask them what is going on. Be a listening ear and let them know “Hey I have those fears too” Let them know that you are there no matter what. Don’t make them sound like they are crazy for something that they cannot help.

Let’s do our best and leave the guilt behind and let’s do our bed to make sure to let someone know that you are there no matter what.