TOMORROW I will do better

I am all touched out.

I am all talked out.

I am all schooled out.

I am all cooked out.

I am stretched thin.

I took a minute in the car today. I told everyone I needed a minute. I went to the car and I sat in the car silence. No phone. No music. Just the sound of nature and my coffee.

I started to cry. I have been pushed and pulled in every direction. I have cooked breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. I have heard “Mama” “Mom” “Mommy” so many times, I feel like I am the only one on this planet that can help them. Because we all know that not being able to open fruit snacks is the end of the world.

They will completely walk past their father and go all the way to the end of the house just to find me or scream for me while I am in the bathroom.

Do they know he too holds the power of opening fruit snacks and finding things around the house. Even though I am sure he will yell for me too asking where to find it.

In the car I thought about all the things that I was going to do with my life. I was going to have my own animal rescue. I was going to be the towns go to place when they could no longer take care of their animals and needed a place that they knew the loved pet can go. A place for people to bring the animals that they find that needs that extra love. I was going to go to school to become a vet. Take care of the 4 legged family members that we all love so very much.

Instead I am watching all the people that I grew up with enjoy their dreams. Become who they always wanted to become and I am here drinking my cold coffee because I have been running around trying to help 4 kids with their online schooling that I left it on the counter. I am here trying to convince my 4 year old that if he eats his veggies he will grow up and be big and strong. I am here telling my 11 year old that bossing her siblings around is not okay. I am here running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I am to the point where I am about to give in. Sure have ice cream for breakfast, Sure watch that whole season on the TV, sure play mine-craft all day. Because honestly I am way too tired to have the energy to process life. Way too tired to try and win these battles.

I promise you I love being a mom.

My kids are my everything. I could not imagine my life without them. I would give them the shirt off my back if I had too, but I would be lying if I would give anything to also have more time to myself. To hang out with my friends without getting up every 2 seconds to tend to a little version of myself.

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I am constantly being touched, hung on, climbed on. My personal space no longer exists.

Their needs are never ending

Their questions are never ending

My sanity, is for sure ending

I am always tired. Like permanently tired. At this point I feel like that It’s normal. This is just me now. I know one day, when they are all grown up. I will miss this. I will miss their questions and their moms I need yous. The house will be too quiet.

But today I needed a minute. I needed a minute to let it all out in my car alone. I needed a reset. I needed to show myself that I am still human and not the energizer bunny. I reached the I AM DONE point.

Then they go to bed and my world is silent. I look at them while they are sleeping and I question myself as to why I even needed that minute because they are so cute and cuddly. These tiny little humans that I created made me completely loose my mind that I went to my car and cried and questioned my life. I feel the guilt set in. I feel guilty that I yelled “Mommy needs a minute”

I kiss them on the cheeks and whisper, Mommy is sorry. Mommy was not her best today.

Tomorrow I will do better

Where is the balance.

The realization how times have changed from when we were younger. We roamed freely. We would walk to the store along when our parents had enough of us and gave us some pennies, to grab penny candy.

We rode our bikes with our friends without our parents being right there. We wanted to walk up town for lunch, no problem.

Our parents would sit on a bench and let us play freely on the playground while reading a book or talking to their friends.

Now, modern parenting is a whole different story. It makes it hard for us ‘None helicopter moms’ we feel that we need to be RIGHT there in case of judgement.

Now parents even with older kids are hovering by the playground “oh honey, you shouldn’t use the monkey bars just in case you fall” “I will stand here while you ride your bike in the driveway”

Yes, I do realize that we are now more aware of kidnappers and people whom are bad because of social media, they were always around.

Allowing your teenager to go to the mall alone with her or his friends is out of the question. You feel guilty, you feel scared the whole time.

I find myself trying to find a balance between permissive parenting and helicopter mom.

I want my kids to be able to make those mistakes and learn their lessons but at the same time I am scared for being judged that I am not doing enough.

I struggle with all the rules that is set in place now. How our generation is ruin our kids because they should have 0 screen time, spend every single moment with them that you have, sign them up for every single spot even if they don’t like it. Celebrate every single holiday and buy them huge gifts. Wait, when did Easter become the new Christmas?

Your kids don’t get enough outdoor time. Um, I promise you if my kids could live outside in a forest they probably would.

I want my kids to have somewhat of the same childhood I did, even though I know it’s not possible now. To be completely honest trying to find a balance for that is stressing me out.

As social media gets bigger so does all the information about how we can and cannot do this and the information is back and forth.

How are we suppose to figure all this out when everything is so conflicting.

You shouldn’t have them on technology for long, yet in school that is a huge part of their learning.

You shouldn’t tell your kids that their homework is wrong, let the teacher mark it, yet you need to teach them the right answers.

You should be outside with them in your OWN backyard watching their every move, but that’s when I get my peace and able to get my housework done.

Where is the balance… where do you balance… when do we step back a little and where do we come in?

I find myself comparing everything I do to other parents, just to make sure I am doing thing’s right. Even those I know that is silly. It can drive a person mental.

The stakes are too high. There is so many rules I feel like I cannot keep up with them. I feel they are only going to get worse from here.

I can’t help but wonder if I am doing the right things, I can’t help but think am I ruining the kids by not doing or am doing these things?

Where do I find a balance?

Motherhood & Anxiety

I am a mom with anxiety.
No, I can’t just shut it off, No I can’t just wake up one day and it just go away.

Anxiety isn’t something that we can pick and choose what days we have it and what days we don’t.

It is not a choice.

Some days we can have the best day, we are free from it and everything is great. Some days it just creeps up on us unexpectedly and we are just left to deal with it.

We can’t just choose to be happy, or chill out when it is happening, its just not that easy, not that simple.

You will never know how it truly feels to be someone with anxiety unless you full on walk in our shoes. You will never know how it feels to be hit with darkness in the middle of something that should bring happiness, but you remembered something and it just hits you like a tons of bricks.

So before you come at us and tell us “to just chill out” please remember that anxiety is a mental illness. It is not a cold that we can just get rid of in a few days or weeks. It is not a cry for attention.

If we had a choice to not have this cloud over our heads we would. If we had a choice and could stop it from happening we would. Trust me, we would “chill out” if it were that easy.

There are so many things that I get triggered with, that just send me in a down word spiral. Which I tend to just hold in and let it unload on my husband.

Am I doing this right?
Most the time I have no idea what I am doing, I have been a mother for 10 years now and I am constantly learning new things. How do I know if the decisions that I am making are the right ones? Which bottle do I use? Crib? Co-sleeping? What foods?
what doesn’t help is everyone else shoving opinions at you like its confetti and you have no idea who is right or wrong?

  • When you think this way, remember… There is no right or wrong when it comes to parenting. Everyone has different opinions they are going to be coming at you left right and center. It is your life. Keep being you!

Is my baby / Child okay?
How do I know that everything is okay? there is a new bump? or they are not walking yet? Why are they talking yet? They are not hitting all their milestones when they should be?

  • When you become a mother you get this thing call mothers intuition, trust that because its rarely wrong. If you are having concerns about something contact your doctor to make sure nothing is wrong.

Mom guilt at its finest
Am I spending enough time with them? I spent a little to much time on my phone will that effect them? I am not buying all the cool toys that are in right now is that bad? Am I handling it right when they have tantrums?

  • I promise you, you are enough! All they want is you. Anytime that you spend with them is enough. They know that you love them. They know that you will always be there.

Comparing myself to others
Well Nancy feeds all her kids organic foods should I?
Those kids are dressed better with all name brand clothes and some of my kids are hand me downs is that bad?
They go on fancy trips and have all the neat outdoor climbers am I not giving them their best life?

  • Social media can be the devil… most of the time everyone is posting just the fun parts of their life and never the negatives. Focus on you and your family and nothing else.

There is just not enough time, they grow up so fast
I feel so guilty when I have those days that have just been so long that I am counting down till it is bed time… but they grow up so fast. Does that make me a bad mom?

  • Counting down the time till bedtime doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you human. Motherhood is intense and some days we just need a minute and that’s okay!

So before you come at someone with anxiety and tell them to “chill out” Maybe sit down with them and ask them what is going on. Be a listening ear and let them know “Hey I have those fears too” Let them know that you are there no matter what. Don’t make them sound like they are crazy for something that they cannot help.

Let’s do our best and leave the guilt behind and let’s do our bed to make sure to let someone know that you are there no matter what.