Arbitrary Rules…

I just read this on Quora and really liked the lesson

RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.

When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by. I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.“ What are you struggling with?” he asked. I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.” Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you? ”I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it. I wanted to have something more substantial. Something more profound. But I didn’t. So I told him, “Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes. “I felt like an idiot even saying it. What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes? But my therapist nodded in understanding and then said: “RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.”I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me. “Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist, so stop giving yourself rules. ”It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express. That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times. I felt like I had conquered a dragon. The next day, I took a shower lying down. A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit. There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again. Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry. But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson: THERE ARE NO RULES. RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE!!!

As I read this it really sunk in… we have all these ‘rules’ but who gave us these rules? It is like we read it somewhere or our parents told us this is how its suppose to be and now they are just imbedded in our heads.

I have always made a meal together with the family even if I had to make separate meals because the kids wouldn’t eat what I was making but I made it all together regardless last night, I made the kids dinner first then mine and my husbands later when he got home from work, It was amazing… I was able to eat my whole meal without being interrupted several times. And the best part was…. my dinner stayed warm the whole time I was eating it because I wasn’t getting up several times to help the kids!

We set the bar so high for us that, rules so high to follow that we just mentaly cannot take it anymore.

How about today you do something different, live on the wild side.. throw out some rules that you have been doing for many years for reasons you have no idea why but because you felt you HAD too…

Dishes need to be done right away after dinner…. why? the dishes will still be there later. Watch that show before the dishes get done…

Laundry cant pile up… why? The laundry will still be there later… read that book that you have been dying to read.

run the dish washer twice…. because life is too short. Stressing over these arbitrary rules…

Drink wine in the morning and coffee at night… 😉 rules….

Badmouthing, and its negative effects.

Kids growing up with their parents separated is hard enough. They have to figure out how to live with each parent separately. They have to deal with different rules that are set in place at each house. 

When you separate I understand that it is hard not to think about all the bad things that they did or will continue to do. It is hard to separate your feelings towards the other person when they really upset you. 

Whatever you did, or didn’t do, or whatever the other parent did or does not do. Should not be stated to your child. Badmouthing their mom or dad can have a huge negative effect on your child. 

It really hurts them. No matter what you do, your child will continue to love you unconditionally. It hurts them more when it is someone they love and look up to, putting down the other parent. 

It causes so much conflict in their heads. They have no idea what to do. It causes them to have to choose a side. Children are so loyal to their parents. They will have so much guilt and pain, that they will have no idea how to express these feelings, because they are scared to tell the other parent what happened in case that causes a fight. Which will cause them to retreat from both parents. 

Just like you would not accept yourself to choose between one of your children, you should not accept your child to choose which parent to love and be loyal too. 

Your child has some parts of you and some parts of your Ex. By bad mouthing each other causes your child to feel like some parts of them are wrong, some parts of them you do not like because it matches the other parent. This alone will cause them to hate how they are. 

We tell our kids not to bully, to treat other people the way we want to be treated,  but yet we talk poorly about the other parent. We say all these negative things about your ex which could cause your child to think that is okay or to grow up thinking that we are liars. 

It is important to find a way to separate your feelings towards the other parent for the sake of your child. They want to have a positive and loving relationship with both of you. How you feel should not determine how your child feels about the other parent. 

What goes around comes around. 

I am sure we have all heard this saying. Whatever bad things that you say about your ex will just come right back at you. Your child will start defending the other parent and then start to resent you or they might start using the same behaviour towards the other parent thinking that it is okay or back at you. 

If your opinion of your ex is true, or if it is not it doesn’t matter. You don’t want your truth to be your kids reality. It could have physiological effects on your child. 

Leave the negativity out of your child’s mind and just spend time with them, they just want you both to be happy. 

Pros and cons of breastfeeding & formula feeding

Well it’s May and it snowed. Yesterday we were all thinking about what to plant in our gardens and today we are shoveling snow. Can we just all say 2020 is a wash? I guess only time can tell.

There are still some controversial debates going around and have been around for many years. Since the internet has been such a big thing for awhile now, these debates have been massive. One of the big ones are breastfeeding vs formula fed.

Let me start off by saying I did both for my kids. My first child I am not sure why I was just not producing enough and had to do both. My second child I was producing a lot, but he was just so hungry I could not keep up with the demand and had to do both. With my last I did a little bit when I found out that he was allergic to dairy products and had to get it out of my system so that he could breastfeed properly without getting and upset tummy.

There are a lot of reasons you choose to do either. You are not able to produce, you feel like formula is too expensive or you need to do both.

There is a lot of breastfed is best and fed is best, but I want to dive into each one and look at their pros and cons.

Photo by willsantt on Pexels.com

Breastfeeding

Pros

Natures natural baby food. If you are able to exclusively breastfeed your child, that is amazing good on you! Breastfeeding is really hard. Cracked nipples, biting and sore boobs come with it. It also comes with the boding experience with your child.

Breast milk comes with the immunity building antibodies. It is believed that scientist have yet to make that exact formula to put into anything else. Breast milk is full of vitamins and protein and fat a perfect blend to help your child grow. This formula helps your baby fight off virus’s and bacteria. Breast milk also helps your child lower the risk of allergies as well. There are some tests saying that it highers your IQ but I know some adults that are extremely smart that have been formula fed and are doing just fine, so I am not 100% behind this one.

There are even some benefits for the mother when breastfeeding. Burning calories it releases hormone Oxycontin. This helps your uterus go back to its normal size. They also say it lowers your risk of breast and ovarian cancer.

It does also save your money. Since you don’t have to buy formula and bottles and nipples.

There is more ease and convenience to breastfeeding. You are able to feed your child anywhere, no need to warm up a bottle or make preparations before leaving the house.

Cons

I know I can hear you saying, there are no cons of breastfeeding but I promise you there are pros and cons to mostly everything.

Some mothers and children just get it right off the bat with breastfeeding and just ease into it like they have been doing it for awhile. There are some that it takes long to master and there might be some barriers in the way that make it difficult to do so.

Issues with milk supply which I did. I had both way too high and way too low. Cracked and sore nipples. I use to cringe when mine would latch it was so painful. The pain level was up there with having 3 c-sections it was terrible.

Adjusting your sleeping schedule to your babies feeding schedule can be difficult, the constant demand of caring for your baby and yourself, it can be extremely challenging.

Your baby is attached to you, all the time. You are the the supplier of food. Woman may feel like they are loosing themselves. Body image, sex life and self-esteem issues.

Right now, more and more stores are making it easier for moms to breastfeed their kids but some places still struggle with that, even more in the work place environment. It can be difficult to still breastfeed in public. When you are at your friends house and they don’t have kids yet, mothers may feel the judgement of it.

Your spouse or partner will not get that bond feeding their child, and the mom may feel the lack for support when it comes to the child in that aspect.

Photo by Public Domain Pictures on Pexels.com

Formula feeding

Pros

You can buy your supply. A lot of woman including me for my first child you struggle with producing milk, sometimes you may produce a little and some can’t produce any. The convenience of being able to go out and buy more when you run out.

Having time to yourself to get your body back, with the fact that you can make a bottle and get someone to help you feed your child you can have a minute in the shower, or at least brush you hair. You can drink that bottle of wine no problem and just lush yourself.

You don’t have the nipple pain, you may experience some enlargement pain while you body dries up the supply but that will go away in do time.

Your spouse and even your parents will get the shared experience with your child. That amazing closeness and bond that you get when feeding your child, you can share that with your other have. You are able to get some well needed sleep that you longed for.

No lopsided boob. This was a big issue for me when I was breastfeeding. My kids would rather one side over the other and then the nipple pain was more on one side so I tended to use one side over the other, which made one boob bigger than the other.

Those weird pads that you put in your bra, the ones that make you look like you have a third nipple, you wont have to use those because no leaky boob!

Con

It can get expensive. Depending on what type of formula that you want to buy for your child or what type of formula that your child needs. For example for sensitive tummies.

The judgement you might get do to the fact that you are not breastfeeding. Even more so from your parents or your grandparents. When you go out for dinner and you order that glass of wine, people will be looking at you with your baby beside you “wow are you still breastfeeding and drinking” then you tell them “no I formula feed” then the judgement gets worse “how dare you not breastfeed your baby”

You may not burn the calories that you would if you were breastfeeding, with breastfeeding your body helps you do some of the work.

Dishes Dishes Dishes… Okay we all hate doing them, sometimes I feel like just throwing out all the dishes and using paper everything, but yes… washing all the bottles and the nipples and all the things that come along with it that you need to wash.

You know that amazing smell, when you open a coffee can for the first time and it hits you like amazing pot of gold. Yeah that won’t happen with formula the smell alone is just I don’t even know how to explain it. It stinks.

Pro for both

YOUR BABY IS FED!

As a mother finding what is best for both you and your baby is hard. All the judgement and all the info that get’s crammed in your face can be alarming. The right choice is what is best for you and your family. Talk to your doctor or health care provider and talk with your spouse. You shouldn’t have to feel you are alone in making this decision.

Elf on the shelf

It is almost that time… that time of the year…the time I am super excited for and probably more excited then my kids!

ELF ON THE SHELF!

I probably kick myself in the butt but I try to do something crazy and different each time I change his spot. Our Elf on the shelf is called ‘Steve’ Don’t ask I have no idea why they came up with that name, but it stuck. Honestly I like it better then Sparkle or some sort of Elf name lol It’s just super random.

Here are some idea’s that I used for Steve, you are welcome to use some of these ideas!! I know that coming up with ideas are hard!

Drawing on the Bananas
Zip lining
X’s and O’s
Spider man
Reindeer poop!
Santa Hat’s on the pictures
Steve in space!
Camping
The Floor is Lava!

What ever you do have fun with it! Channel your inner child and go wild!!

What I wish I heard before I was pregnant

“You will have a beautiful glow, and love every minute of it”

At this point I am expecting an amazing experience… what could go wrong right?? No pain, I hold my pee when I sneeze… not

Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful that I made a human being inside me, and I love them to death.. and I am sure there are people out their that loved their pregnancies.. but for me I wish someone told me a few more things about it… honestly

Just Eat

When I was pregnant I craved subs… all of the meat plus anything sour, and guess what I.ate.all.the.things. Don’t get me wrong I felt guilty that I was not eating more healthy, but guess what happened?? I gave birth to 3 healthy little bumbinos. Yep, 10 fingers, 10 toes. Cutest little button noses. Perfectly healthy. So girl you have a craving dig in!!

Park that butt if you want to!

I get it, there is so much to be done before the baby comes or you want to get that pile of work on your desk done, the house is a friggin mess… but hey, you earned this, you are creating a human being inside you, your body is already working over time. Take that well-earned break that you need. Sit down, eat all the things and relax.

Hand me downs are okay!

It is your first baby you want to buy all new clothes. You want your baby looking amazing in everything he or she wears. Guess what second hand clothes are amazing and I promise you a lot of it are brand name! Babies grow so fast and they will continue doing that. Like bad weeds in the garden.

You need help? Ask for it!

Do not feel guilty because you need an extra hand! Parenting is not easy, I promise you that. It is really hard being a first time mom, heck even a second or third time mom its hard. It takes a village to help raise the children, ask for help when you need it. Your feet hurt, your back hurts, everything is friggin hurts. That’s what family and friends are for.

Sexy Time!

A girls got needs. I get it you don’t like the way your body looks. Trust me neither did I. Plus sometimes I was so tired I couldn’t even get up off the couch. If you are feeling it, go for it and no, your husband will not poke the baby in eye… even though some of them might say that. Feeling that connection with your Significant other is amazing.

Where what you feel comfortable in

You want to wear those sleep pants.. do it You want to wear track pants do it. You want to splurge on maternity clothes GO FOR IT. You are already feeling extremely uncomfortable in your body why would you make it worse by wearing something that just isn’t right. DO YOU!

Pregnancy might not be the most pleasant thing in the world, or maybe you will enjoy every minute of it, we are all different. But one thing I know is that once you are holding that beautiful baby in your arms all the things that happened will just go away, the minute you see that face!

MARRIAGE IS NOT EASY

Marriage is not easy.

You wont find the person that you click with on everything, because every single person has a different view.

You wont find a person that is perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.

You wont find a person that has all the same interests as you because we all like different things.

What you will find, is a person that has perfect imperfections just like you.

What you will find, is a person that challenges you in every single way, because when you fight its all about learning how to deal with what is bothering both of you and get through it.

What you will find, is your soul mate that fits YOU perfectly, because your heart finds a person that you know will follow you to the ends of this earth and back.

I watch my husband struggle every day, to go to a job he doesn’t love, but he knows he has to, because he has a family to take care of. I watch my husband struggle when he gets home to stay awake and help me and to see the kids but he is just so tired that he can hardly stay awake. I watch my husband get mad at things really easy because hes struggling to be happy with his job and takes it out on us. I watch my husband struggle because he feels bad for taking it out on us.

Sometimes he will leave for work without giving me a kiss, sometimes I get mad for him not helping me around the house more.
Sometimes he will come home with something for me because he knows I have had a bad day.
Sometimes I just let him sleep because I know he’s had a bad day.

Marriage is not easy

You see your partner going through all this, you see the bad parts of a person, but you also see the good parts. You see them when they are sad, and being so stubborn. You also see them when they are happy and laughing and that laugh just makes you melt and you remember all over again why you married them.

You see them at 2 am, when everyone else is asleep. Talking about your future and what you hope for. You get to see the side of them that no one else does. Sometimes its not pretty and other times its amazing.

It is farting.
It is bad breath.
It is random dances when your favorite songs come on.
It is random I love yous
It is never leaving you even those you have said some nasty things.

It is someone having your back always even those they don’t agree with it. It is supporting someone through every new adventure when they are do scared at doing it, but also very excited about the future.

Marriage is not easy.

It is fighting over stupid things, and realize that it was stupid and holding onto it because you don’t want to admit you were wrong, and then they do something silly that makes your laugh and you realize the fight is just not worth it.

It is falling asleep in each others arms, thinking that their just is not enough time with each other. It is falling asleep not cuddling because you both are just so tired at the end of the day you pass out.

It’s cleaning up their messes, it’s taking care of them when they are sick. It is the dirtiest, hardest, most rewarding thing you can do.

Because at the end of the day, after everything that went on and was crazy, you get to crawl into bed with your best friend, your partner, the most annoying, the weirdest, loving, goofy person that you know.

Marriage is not easy.

But it is the best feeling knowing, that you have someone to Always have your back.

Sometimes I miss my life before kids

Before you throw your “How dare you” listen anyone who knows me personally knows that I would do anything for my children. Honestly anything. But sometimes I feel like running away, sometimes I just feel so tired and alone.

Parenting is amazing and crazy and exhilarating all at the same time, knowing that you made the future doctors, nurses, firefighters, vets, plumbers, carpenters, landscapers.

At the same time it can be exhausting. Which I know we all feel guilty about feeling that way.

We all don’t want to talk about this part of parenting. We are all scared of being judged Or being told that we are ungrateful. I am raising these 4 beautiful children. I get the pleasure of doing this!

Honestly we all have thought this, or you will at some point. You feel like you can’t go anywhere just you. You’ll feel trapped, Always having someone there 24 7 depending on you. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be my best self because I am always tired or missing my freedom.

I miss being able to just leave the house without having to get ready 2 hours before leaving because you know the kids will take that long. I miss being able to be like “I will take a nap” or binge watch my favourite show without someone asking 29038402398423 questions.

My husband and I never have a moments peace together, and when we do we are both so tired that we can barely stay awake for a full movie. Pretty sure we watch the same movie over again because we are never able to finish it. I wonder what kind of couple we would be without kids? What would we do? Where would we be? Not sure we know each other on that level anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t even remember who I was before kids. I love being a mom. But I miss being able to just say I need to get my eyebrows done and book an appointment and just go, not have to worry about maybe that money can go towards the kids, or what if the kids have something going on that day and have to schedule myself around them.

When my husband and I on a rare occasion get to go out just the 2 of us, we feel guilty that we are watching a movie, or eating in a restaurant because we know the kids would enjoy being here too.

One day the kids will be older and doing things on their own and I know that I am forever going to worry about them.

The point is, that you’re not alone, its okay to take that me time, it’s okay to feel like you don’t have it all together, its okay to miss those parts of you, it’s okay for you and your husband to go on the date!

We need to be okay with admitting those parts of parenting

You’re not a bad mom or dad for feeling this way, sometimes all this is really really hard.

The last one

I have been through this many times, once with my now 10 year old, again with my now 8 year old…

First day of school

But this time it is different. This time whole bunch of different emotions that I cannot begin to explain them.

Our last child, our baby is starting JK (Junior Kindergarten)

I am happy, excited, sad all these emotions. I am excited for him because I know he wants to start school so bad. Sad because no more kids at home. No more first child starting school. He is no longer a baby. Which I knkw he hasnt been for awhile but I could still hold on to that since there was no school.

I know he will be okay, because hes smart and outgoing and full of life and a ball of energy. Plus his 3 other siblings at school will watch over him.

I know he is ready…but am I ready? Am I ready to have a empty house during the day? Am I ready to not have someone asking me a million questions during the day? eating lunch alone?

Yes and no

Yes, peace sounds so good dont get me wrong. The house will be clean (until they get home) all the house work done right away without it taking forever since I have to stop every 2 mins.

No. Because what if he needs me? I don’t want quiet, I don’t want him to grow up just yet. I dont want to come go realization that no more babies.

I will miss my partner in crime. But I know he will be okay.

How my kids saved my life

You know growing up there was always that one child they called ‘Troubled’ i was that child.

I would never listen to my parents, i always did the complete opposite they asked me or i would say no and then do what they asked when they weren’t looking just for them to think i was going to rebel.

I always went to parties i wasn’t suppose to,  i drove my brothers care without insurance and without a license.

I rarely did my homework and when i did it was on the bus at the last minute before going to school. I would yell at the teachers and make sure they knew my presence wasn’t a good one.

But i will stop there…

My before kids wasn’t innocent at all.

But then i had a beautiful little girl…

Who is now 7 acts like she is 17…

This little girl with her perfect little nose, and fingers and the BLUEST eyes i have ever seen, i felt like gravity hit me for the first time.

Right then and there i made a change, for myself and for my daughter that i was going to be the best mom i could ever be…

Through all those sleepless nights, and diaper changes and puke stains i felt bad… i felt like i took my parents for granted, i cried some nights thinking how much my mom cried when she had no idea where i was or how many times i told her i hated her.

I thought to myself if my daughter ever told me she hated me it would break my heart. I don’t know how many times i called my mom even now telling her how sorry i was for the way i behaved, and she always joked “i curse you with a child that acted the same way you did with your little attitude”  She forgot to remember that one day she would be having sleep overs with my mini me!

One night, Catching up on my Son Of Anarchy, folding the piles of laundry that i was just avoiding because i was so tired to even think of the word laundry let alone fold it, having a newborn is not the easiest of tasks.  I did not go to college, just high school and i barely got that. I decided right then and there that i was going to go to college, Yep this troubled child was going to make something of herself !

I started my online course. Between spoon full of Bananas and Ginger Chicken, i was doing exams, notes, reading… and i got the degree!

After my daughter, came my son 2 years later…

A couple of years after that we blended our family and my boyfriend now my husband brought in a daughter, now i have 2 daughters and a son.

I wanted to do something else with my life, I started working at a vet clinic, 3 kids, and a job my all time dream job!! working with animals, it was tiring and exciting all at the same time, being at work all day and coming home and taking care of 3 kids.

Then my we added a 4th child our son.

and we got married.

I am now a stay at home mom and i am okay with that, i get to raise 4 beautiful children and be a wife, and one day i will go back to work and work at a clinic, but for now i get to be a mom…

A lot of people and mostly people that don’t have kids say “kids will ruin your life” “Kids will change your life completely” My kids did change my life, but for the better… i found gravity through my kids..

My kids saved me.