I am the face of anxiety.

Walking past the windows at night and freaking out at the dark, because you think someone is always staring back at you. The true panic of darkness surrounding you. The unknown of what is out there. Making sure you are ready for anything if someone is to break into your house. You have a plan set out just in case, to get everyone out safely while battling the intruder. 

One day you feel amazing so you make all these fun and awesome plans with your friends and the kids, only to end up canceling that day because you start to think of all the things that could possibly go wrong before you leave the house. 

When you are in public with your kids and if your kids are not all chain linked to you, someone is going to kidnap them and you will never see them again. So before you leave the house you make a mental note in your head with exactly how they look that day. 

When your kid is begging and begging to go for a walk but in your mind you are already thinking about them getting hit by a car and honestly it feels so real in your head, that you continue to make excuses as to why you can’t go for a walk, till you finally give in but then hold on to your child for dear life so they don’t jump into traffic like you envisioned. 

When you are driving in your car and someone is driving behind you, going exactly the same way you are. You start thinking that this person is following you and go down a whole bunch of different roads trying to dodge this person. It is walking into a store and planning your exit strategy every time, making sure you know each exit door. 

When your mind is constantly going a mile a minute. Over thinking everything someone said. This thing someone said could have been months and months ago but something reminded you of that moment and now you are second guessing your answer. It’s over analyzing every single moment. When before you have a conversation with someone you already played the conversation in your head ten times, and then it just comes out a jumbled mess because you are socially awkward. Which then comes the night shower where you are just sitting there wishing you could be different. 

When something is completely out of your control and you can’t grab the reins and make sure you are incontol, you just want to crawl into bed and get out when everything is over. When someone does something differently you blurt out how you would do it differently causing a fight, which you didn’t mean to, it’s only your anxiety talking.  

When you go to bed at night, thinking about all the things that you did get done, and all the things that you DIDN’T get done, that you have to get done the next day. When you go to bed at night thinking that tonight is the night you might not wake up so you stay awake till your completely pass out and have no choice to sleep. 

These feelings…. These feelings that people call crazy. They are real. They are every day feelings inside my head that I have no control over. These feelings that people say “just change your thought process and everything will be fine” 

These feelings are so draining to the point my brain is just so maxed out. It is why every outing just seems so exhausting that I would choose just to stay home instead of going out. In my house, where there is a controlled environment. 

I write this to let you know that you are not alone momma. You are not battling this alone. Normalize talking about your fears and your worries without being told you are crazy or being scared that someone will think you are less of a person because of these.

I see you. Stay strong. 

To the woman / Mom…

To the mom on the beach looking at her phone, trying to get some peace.
I see you.
The days are long and I know you are just trying to get some peace while you kids are running around. For not giving a fuck what other people will think of you, that you are not hovering over your kids every minute of every day.

To the mom with dishes piling up in your sink and dirty laundry in your baskets, because you would rather grab a book and your coffee or play with your kids on the floor.
I see you.
Being a good mom or a good wife does not mean you have to spend every hour of ever day cleaning, making sure the house is pristine.

To the mom, to the women, waiting in line at the pharmacy for anti-depressants, or waiting to see their therapist.
I see you.
We has woman and as mothers are human too. You are still coping, you are still winning. You are taking action to the fact that you caught something just wasn’t right, you are being smart and getting ahead of something that could turn really bad. I find to often that people frown upon the fact that you are doing this. That you are weak because of this. Normalize therapy, Normalize asking for help.

To the mom who didn’t loose all the baby weight.
I see you.
A child is such a big and consuming job. You are up every night, this is a 24 hour job. You want to eat that comfort food, do it. Eat all that fucking food. You are a goddess, superwoman that created a human in their body.

The human race is so judgey, we often look at people and scowl because they don’t follow “OUR” personal rules. A lot of people need to mind their own life. As moms we do so much, we have so many fails and so many victories, but every single day we still manage to get up, and keep on going.

Keep being you, that beautiful soul you have.
Much love.

Badmouthing, and its negative effects.

Kids growing up with their parents separated is hard enough. They have to figure out how to live with each parent separately. They have to deal with different rules that are set in place at each house. 

When you separate I understand that it is hard not to think about all the bad things that they did or will continue to do. It is hard to separate your feelings towards the other person when they really upset you. 

Whatever you did, or didn’t do, or whatever the other parent did or does not do. Should not be stated to your child. Badmouthing their mom or dad can have a huge negative effect on your child. 

It really hurts them. No matter what you do, your child will continue to love you unconditionally. It hurts them more when it is someone they love and look up to, putting down the other parent. 

It causes so much conflict in their heads. They have no idea what to do. It causes them to have to choose a side. Children are so loyal to their parents. They will have so much guilt and pain, that they will have no idea how to express these feelings, because they are scared to tell the other parent what happened in case that causes a fight. Which will cause them to retreat from both parents. 

Just like you would not accept yourself to choose between one of your children, you should not accept your child to choose which parent to love and be loyal too. 

Your child has some parts of you and some parts of your Ex. By bad mouthing each other causes your child to feel like some parts of them are wrong, some parts of them you do not like because it matches the other parent. This alone will cause them to hate how they are. 

We tell our kids not to bully, to treat other people the way we want to be treated,  but yet we talk poorly about the other parent. We say all these negative things about your ex which could cause your child to think that is okay or to grow up thinking that we are liars. 

It is important to find a way to separate your feelings towards the other parent for the sake of your child. They want to have a positive and loving relationship with both of you. How you feel should not determine how your child feels about the other parent. 

What goes around comes around. 

I am sure we have all heard this saying. Whatever bad things that you say about your ex will just come right back at you. Your child will start defending the other parent and then start to resent you or they might start using the same behaviour towards the other parent thinking that it is okay or back at you. 

If your opinion of your ex is true, or if it is not it doesn’t matter. You don’t want your truth to be your kids reality. It could have physiological effects on your child. 

Leave the negativity out of your child’s mind and just spend time with them, they just want you both to be happy. 

Distant Memories

When I was younger I felt the days went by so slow. Sitting at my desk in school, watching the clock, tick tick tick. Waiting for the bell to ring, then booking it out of the school as fast as I could. 

Summertime, daydreaming when I am finally old enough to do all the things that only adults can do. Daydreaming  by my big willow tree on my farm. It was my favorite place to be. 

Now that I have kids, I want it to slow down. Life seems to be going 100 miles per hour. Like driving in the fast lane with no cars. Never in the slow lane. 

Just busy parenting, keeping the house in order and working. I find myself often just sitting and watching the kids play in the pool. Thinking “Where did the time go?, I swear it was just yesterday they were babies” 

I will be the first to admit that I struggle to stop and smell the roses. I will be in the middle of laundry or dishes and the kids ask to play “Let me just finish these” The dishes and laundry will be there later, your kids grow up so fast. 

A first birthday is so exciting, yet you mourn the fact that your baby is growing up. To be honest for me, it seems to be every birthday. Even with 4 kids you would think that I have learned by now, they do in fact have to grow up. Not stay babies forever, since my oldest is 11. 

The pain of childbirth and holding your new baby in your hands. 

Watching them take their first steps and eating solid foods for the first time. 

No sleep and sore nipples. 

Them exploring the amazing adventures the world has to offer. 

Becomes a distant memory. 

I know I cannot stop time. All we can do is soak it all in because one day, I will miss the house being a mess, I will be sitting in my living room missing the sounds of little feet running in and yelling “Mommy, look what I did” I will miss cutting the crust of the sandwiches. I will miss this. All of this. 

I am going to try my best to take it all in. When my son wants a random hug, I will get down to his level and give him a big hug and hold him there for a minute, even if he squirms. When they ask me to play, I will set down the laundry or dishes and go and play with them. 

Don’t get me wrong I am excited to watch them grow into amazing adults and see where life takes them. — To watch their little personalities grow to be big ones. To see their drive to get their dream jobs. 

I hear people say “Make these the best days of your life!” But I don’t want these to JUST be the best days, I don’t want to be sad when it’s all done and my best days are behind us. Instead I am going to make these days happy and fun and full of life. I want to continue to have the best days when they are older too and have kids themselves. 

I am going to continue to help my children have the best tools to be able to grow up and be respectful, caring adults. 

I am going to have more movie nights with all the fixings, popcorn, chips and candy. 

I am going to put my phone down and computer down and soak in the laughter. 

I am going to make more time for myself and my husband so that we have enough energy to keep up with them. 

I want to look back at these days and remember that I enjoyed every single moment of them being babies and small kids and teenagers. I don’t want to look back and regret that I didn’t put down my phone or laundry to look at what they were doing. 

I want to look back and know that everything I did, helped shape them to be amazing adults. 

Self care should not be optional.

As mother’s or women, we are told that we must take care of everyone else before we can take care of ourselves. 

Even as far back as the 18th century woman stayed home and took care of the farm and the children. That was our role. 

If we decided to do something for ourselves we were considered selfish or a witch. 

By constantly taking care of everyone else, you end up losing yourself. 

Putting everyone first before yourself doesn’t make you a good mother or wife, you’re not being your best self by not taking care of YOU

You end up just in survival mode. Just simply going through the emotions. Pretending like everything’s okay. 

A mombie. 

Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to involve spending money. Take a longer bath, read that book that has been collecting dust on your dresser. Do that free online course that you have been wanting to take, or even spend a little money to do something for yourself.

 IT IS OKAY!! 

Today, I added some 2 things to my amazon cart and freaked out because it was 30 bucks and I went over and over again in my head all the things that the kids said they wanted or needed and I hummed and hawwed at the fact oh maybe I shouldn’t get it. But I did it. I hit the order. I felt a little bad at first but at the same time pretty excited, happy that I got something for myself. 

Self care should not be optional.

According to a survey by healthy women and working mothers,  78% of moms put off doing anything for themselves first. Mothers were 5th down the line… they came after their pets even!!

I get it, there is not enough time in the day. I feel at this point that is just an excuse… take some time. Set that time aside. As your spouse, okay it’s time for me time… or even later when everyone is asleep. Have that extra long bath or shower or watch that show you have been dying to watch. Yes you might be tired in the morning but coffee could fix that! 

I promise once you take that time for yourself you will feel so much better!

We struggle…but weve got this

Motherhood is challenging…

We struggling with what we think is the right way to handle a situation…

We struggling with thinking are we doing everything right….

We struggle with our babies or child sleep schedule…

We struggle with our child’s tantrums….

But the thing is we get through it… We are strong, capable human beings. Even those there are plenty of days where we think we are not rocking it. We are.

We wake up in the middle of the night to feed our babies, changing diapers at 2am, 3am, 4am… Without batting an eye…

We carry a human being inside of us! And we continue to do day to day things. Some of us even care for our other children while our body is so overworked that its running on low but we do it…

We get up, get the kids bathed, dressed, fed and lunches then out the door to the bussed or to school on time, all while staying up late making sure that 22 kids in their class get their treats for the party that your child told you at the last minute they needed…

We cook, we clean, solve crimes like find the missing stuffed animal while your kid has a melt down in the corner…

Constantly being told you’re doing it wrong but so many people because you didn’t do it the way they want you too or the way they would do it, but you hold it together because your tiny humans are depending on you.

Making sure their teeth are brushed, clothes are washed and homework is done….

Even if its big or small we are getting it done. You should feel proud of yourself no matter what. Because parenting is tough. We struggle. But we win every day… Because those smiles and i love you’s make everything worth it.

Dear Husband,

Sometimes I feel like you get the worst of me.
Sometimes I feel like you might not recognize me anymore.

By the time you get home, I am beyond frustrated with the kids. With them not listening, hitting me, making messes that I am constantly picking up or telling them to pick up. Sometimes I am mad at myself because I didn’t get all the things I wanted to get done for the day. Honestly there just is not enough time in the day. Sometimes I am so frustrated and upset that if I don’t let it out when you get home i might explode. For that I am sorry, you become my target.

You come home from a long day at work, providing for us, at a job that your boss is just so frustrating and you come home to me upset, and mad and storming around. Come home to me demanding the kids go to you instead of me. You come home to me almost in tears because I have tried my best to get the house clean.

When they finally get to sleep, I am running around trying to get the things done that I was just not able to when they were awake, because they are constantly asking me to do this, open this, can you look at this. I get your lunches ready for work, and I get our dinner ready if you came home late. You do your best to stay awake when I try and get the last minute things done so that I am able to some what sleep without stressing that I missed something.

When I finally get to lay down and just close my eyes you try and cuddle and I jerk away “I just need to not be touched for one minute so I can fall asleep”

Or when you call and you are on your way home and you nicely ask “Babe do we need anything?” and I answer the question in a angry tone because I just can’t hold in my frustrations of our son demanding that I hold him while I try and get things done.

You ask me nicely “whats for dinner” and I snap “I have no idea, I will figure it out” When just before you asked me I had to deal with our son asking 2390482039482 times whats for dinner and my frustrations just got sent to you.

I don’t mean to, but you often get the worst of me, the left overs of my very frustrating day. Because honestly all my patience and strength has been used up by the kids. Because honestly motherhood uses so much of my time, and of my brain that I have no idea how to even shut it off at this point and it leaves me with nothing else for anyone else.

But you will always be the one that I loved first. I know you are worried to come home because you dont know what kind of mood I will be in, but if you continue to love me and I love you, showing our kids that we love each other no matter what, will give our kids a sense of security.

So I promise I will do my best to leave room for you at the end of the day, I will do my best to leave some joy and love and patience.

By the time you get home sometimes my affection is just spent. From giving hugs and kisses, and talking to the kids about how their day went. Make sure all of them are doing good. That by the time you get it, I just dont feel like being touched, I just need a minute without human contact. Please dont give up on me, I need you so much, I need your kisses and affection too.

I am sorry that you get snapped on because I have held it in so much during the day so that I don’t blow up on the kids, that you end up getting the snarky comments. So please continue to love me no matter what.

I do think it is time we get some alone time, some time away, what do you think?

I know sometimes, I bottle things up and take the world on my shoulders and I know that you are here to take some of that burden. But please know that I couldn’t do any of this without you.

Watching you ever day, play with the kids, Hold our son for the first time and the love in your eyes every day. You keep me grounded. You keep me from completely loosing my mind at the end of the day because I know no matter what you will walk through those doors, and I feel like I can breath again… I count down till the time you walk through those doors.

So I know that you don’t always get the best of me, but I hope that you will always remember that I loved you first and always will.

MARRIAGE IS NOT EASY

Marriage is not easy.

You wont find the person that you click with on everything, because every single person has a different view.

You wont find a person that is perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.

You wont find a person that has all the same interests as you because we all like different things.

What you will find, is a person that has perfect imperfections just like you.

What you will find, is a person that challenges you in every single way, because when you fight its all about learning how to deal with what is bothering both of you and get through it.

What you will find, is your soul mate that fits YOU perfectly, because your heart finds a person that you know will follow you to the ends of this earth and back.

I watch my husband struggle every day, to go to a job he doesn’t love, but he knows he has to, because he has a family to take care of. I watch my husband struggle when he gets home to stay awake and help me and to see the kids but he is just so tired that he can hardly stay awake. I watch my husband get mad at things really easy because hes struggling to be happy with his job and takes it out on us. I watch my husband struggle because he feels bad for taking it out on us.

Sometimes he will leave for work without giving me a kiss, sometimes I get mad for him not helping me around the house more.
Sometimes he will come home with something for me because he knows I have had a bad day.
Sometimes I just let him sleep because I know he’s had a bad day.

Marriage is not easy

You see your partner going through all this, you see the bad parts of a person, but you also see the good parts. You see them when they are sad, and being so stubborn. You also see them when they are happy and laughing and that laugh just makes you melt and you remember all over again why you married them.

You see them at 2 am, when everyone else is asleep. Talking about your future and what you hope for. You get to see the side of them that no one else does. Sometimes its not pretty and other times its amazing.

It is farting.
It is bad breath.
It is random dances when your favorite songs come on.
It is random I love yous
It is never leaving you even those you have said some nasty things.

It is someone having your back always even those they don’t agree with it. It is supporting someone through every new adventure when they are do scared at doing it, but also very excited about the future.

Marriage is not easy.

It is fighting over stupid things, and realize that it was stupid and holding onto it because you don’t want to admit you were wrong, and then they do something silly that makes your laugh and you realize the fight is just not worth it.

It is falling asleep in each others arms, thinking that their just is not enough time with each other. It is falling asleep not cuddling because you both are just so tired at the end of the day you pass out.

It’s cleaning up their messes, it’s taking care of them when they are sick. It is the dirtiest, hardest, most rewarding thing you can do.

Because at the end of the day, after everything that went on and was crazy, you get to crawl into bed with your best friend, your partner, the most annoying, the weirdest, loving, goofy person that you know.

Marriage is not easy.

But it is the best feeling knowing, that you have someone to Always have your back.

Sometimes I miss my life before kids

Before you throw your “How dare you” listen anyone who knows me personally knows that I would do anything for my children. Honestly anything. But sometimes I feel like running away, sometimes I just feel so tired and alone.

Parenting is amazing and crazy and exhilarating all at the same time, knowing that you made the future doctors, nurses, firefighters, vets, plumbers, carpenters, landscapers.

At the same time it can be exhausting. Which I know we all feel guilty about feeling that way.

We all don’t want to talk about this part of parenting. We are all scared of being judged Or being told that we are ungrateful. I am raising these 4 beautiful children. I get the pleasure of doing this!

Honestly we all have thought this, or you will at some point. You feel like you can’t go anywhere just you. You’ll feel trapped, Always having someone there 24 7 depending on you. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be my best self because I am always tired or missing my freedom.

I miss being able to just leave the house without having to get ready 2 hours before leaving because you know the kids will take that long. I miss being able to be like “I will take a nap” or binge watch my favourite show without someone asking 29038402398423 questions.

My husband and I never have a moments peace together, and when we do we are both so tired that we can barely stay awake for a full movie. Pretty sure we watch the same movie over again because we are never able to finish it. I wonder what kind of couple we would be without kids? What would we do? Where would we be? Not sure we know each other on that level anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t even remember who I was before kids. I love being a mom. But I miss being able to just say I need to get my eyebrows done and book an appointment and just go, not have to worry about maybe that money can go towards the kids, or what if the kids have something going on that day and have to schedule myself around them.

When my husband and I on a rare occasion get to go out just the 2 of us, we feel guilty that we are watching a movie, or eating in a restaurant because we know the kids would enjoy being here too.

One day the kids will be older and doing things on their own and I know that I am forever going to worry about them.

The point is, that you’re not alone, its okay to take that me time, it’s okay to feel like you don’t have it all together, its okay to miss those parts of you, it’s okay for you and your husband to go on the date!

We need to be okay with admitting those parts of parenting

You’re not a bad mom or dad for feeling this way, sometimes all this is really really hard.