Co – Parenting is hard

My first 2 kids’ father and I are no longer together. It would be an understatement if I said it was stressful… It is so stressful. 

At the time my daughter was 2 and my son was 1. 

I know with every being that it was the right thing to do, for us to no longer be together. For us and for the kids. It took me awhile to come to this realization and I tried. I tried to make it work because I wanted it to work. I grew up thinking that once you have kids with someone you are supposed to stay with that someone forever. That was your partner to do it all. Unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. 

Along the way I have learned a few things with this crazy journey; 

  1. The kids no longer have to witness our fighting

I did my best to not fight in front of them. Sometimes in situations it was unavoidable. We clashed at almost everything. We never agreed on anything. No communication whatsoever. It was a very bad environment to raise children. So much tension in the air that I know they could feel it.  

  1. The kids can see people, can get along after not being together. 

My ex and I tolerate each other. For the lack of a better way of saying it. We are able to go to the kids schooling events and sporting events. That is a very special thing the kids have. They love that we are both there. The kids are one thing that we have in common and they are important to both of us. 

  1. They spend a lot more time with their father. 

When my ex and I were together it was always me that did everything, I took them to the beach, to the park, I played with them outside. My ex went to work. It was always just the 3 of us. Now that they go to their dads during the scheduled time. They are with him. I am not there for them to ask to do all the things he is. He makes the rules for them at his place, puts them to bed. The kids get to see both parents and both parents are raising them. 

Co – parenting is not easy. It is one of the hardest things possible. Trying to raise kids in different houses, different rules, but as the kids get older and we get older I am hoping that it will just fully become a routine and smooth. Despite everything that is happening and the fact that me and their father are no longer together, the kids are doing okay. They are strong. I know that we can all get through this together.

I see YOU

They are not saying your life doesn’t matter because you are not black. Of course they believe all lives matter, but right now, it’s not about us, it is about them. 

Saying all lives matter, is taking away from what they are trying to say. It is taking away their voice. Right now we need to be thinking about them, not ourselves. 

“Black lives matter” is a very strong movement, and I will 100% stand with them. I am not black I am white. 

My father raised us to love everyone, to find equality in everyone. Yes, I see colour because if I didn’t, then I would be colour blind. 

I see YOU… 

I see your beautiful colour, I see your beautiful personality, I see your strengths and how far you have come.  I cannot say I understand because I have not walked in your shoes. 

If you are sitting there defending the police officer then your thinking is wrong. Yes there are great police officers out there, doing an amazing job, but there are ones that are corrupt, and racist. The ones that are doing this, need to be called out, they need to be held accountable for their actions! The police are not above the law. They are not the judge, jury, or executioner. 

If you are sitting there saying “Well they could have prevented what happened to them if they didn’t do crime” Then your thinking is wrong. There was nothing they could have done. They were targeted because of their skin. They were not treated like human beings. 

What can we do to help?. Listen… Listen to them speak… Listen to what they have gone through or will go through. Just fucking listen. 

When we get pulled over by a cop, we are not thinking “this could be it” we are not scared out of our minds for our lives. They are.

We are not scared to go about our daily lives, going to the store, riding our bikes, our kids playing in the park. They are. 

Talk to your kids about what the #BlackLivesMatter movement is. Help them understand how Black kids have to live a different life. 

We have a problem, because everytime someone says black lives matter, there is always someone saying “cops lives matter” or “white lives matter” or “all lives matter” We need to sit down and shut up and listen to what they need to say before we just jump in. 

I am not going to sit here and say I truly understand, or I am fully educated on everything because I am not, I will continue to read books and research and understand the best I can. 

I hear YOU

I see YOU

I am HERE

I will LISTEN

Distant Memories

When I was younger I felt the days went by so slow. Sitting at my desk in school, watching the clock, tick tick tick. Waiting for the bell to ring, then booking it out of the school as fast as I could. 

Summertime, daydreaming when I am finally old enough to do all the things that only adults can do. Daydreaming  by my big willow tree on my farm. It was my favorite place to be. 

Now that I have kids, I want it to slow down. Life seems to be going 100 miles per hour. Like driving in the fast lane with no cars. Never in the slow lane. 

Just busy parenting, keeping the house in order and working. I find myself often just sitting and watching the kids play in the pool. Thinking “Where did the time go?, I swear it was just yesterday they were babies” 

I will be the first to admit that I struggle to stop and smell the roses. I will be in the middle of laundry or dishes and the kids ask to play “Let me just finish these” The dishes and laundry will be there later, your kids grow up so fast. 

A first birthday is so exciting, yet you mourn the fact that your baby is growing up. To be honest for me, it seems to be every birthday. Even with 4 kids you would think that I have learned by now, they do in fact have to grow up. Not stay babies forever, since my oldest is 11. 

The pain of childbirth and holding your new baby in your hands. 

Watching them take their first steps and eating solid foods for the first time. 

No sleep and sore nipples. 

Them exploring the amazing adventures the world has to offer. 

Becomes a distant memory. 

I know I cannot stop time. All we can do is soak it all in because one day, I will miss the house being a mess, I will be sitting in my living room missing the sounds of little feet running in and yelling “Mommy, look what I did” I will miss cutting the crust of the sandwiches. I will miss this. All of this. 

I am going to try my best to take it all in. When my son wants a random hug, I will get down to his level and give him a big hug and hold him there for a minute, even if he squirms. When they ask me to play, I will set down the laundry or dishes and go and play with them. 

Don’t get me wrong I am excited to watch them grow into amazing adults and see where life takes them. — To watch their little personalities grow to be big ones. To see their drive to get their dream jobs. 

I hear people say “Make these the best days of your life!” But I don’t want these to JUST be the best days, I don’t want to be sad when it’s all done and my best days are behind us. Instead I am going to make these days happy and fun and full of life. I want to continue to have the best days when they are older too and have kids themselves. 

I am going to continue to help my children have the best tools to be able to grow up and be respectful, caring adults. 

I am going to have more movie nights with all the fixings, popcorn, chips and candy. 

I am going to put my phone down and computer down and soak in the laughter. 

I am going to make more time for myself and my husband so that we have enough energy to keep up with them. 

I want to look back at these days and remember that I enjoyed every single moment of them being babies and small kids and teenagers. I don’t want to look back and regret that I didn’t put down my phone or laundry to look at what they were doing. 

I want to look back and know that everything I did, helped shape them to be amazing adults.