As a mother, when you hear the doctor tell you, your son has autism, ADHD, Social Anxiety and a learning disability your heart sinks.
Was it something that I did wrong? Was it something that I didn’t do?
Was it because I let him watch TV when he was 2?
All these things running through your head, even though you knew in your heart that something was different about him.
While you try and convince yourself that he has all these things. I didn’t realize it was so much!
You have to convince yourself and try to come to terms with all these new things that just got thrown at you, you now have to convince your family that all this is true.
The constant “well he isn’t like that with me” “Wow I just don’t see it? “Maybe he is just trying to get attention, with all those kids there you know” And the worst one “Are you sure the doctor wasn’t just saying that because they want money?”
You are not there when he has those meltdowns because his schedule is slightly off.
You are not there when he cries so hard before bed because he is scared he wont wake up.
You are not there when he says the most horrible things just to hurt me and I somehow have to figure out how to harden my heart because I know he truly doesn’t mean those things.
You are not there when I ask him to do a simple task but then hits and kicks me and then tries to break down his door, then cries because he hurt his door.
You are not there when he starts smacking himself in the head because he got a question wrong in school.
You are not there when he gets so attached to a coat that you have to search every store possible to find the exact same coat and sneek when he is sleeping and change the coat so he doesn’t notice.
When we are at family functions, we leave when he is about to have a meltdown. We watch the signs. We try to avoid as many triggers as possible so that we can all enjoy ourselves including him.
You are not there doing a grocery shop, trying to figure out his meal plan because he needs to have different things in his diet to make sure that he lives the best possible life without having episodes.
You were not there when I got the phone call that he tried to throw a desk and threw shoes at a teacher because she told him that he couldn’t do something.
So yes, family. YOU might not see it, YOU might not believe it, but I can tell you with my heart that he is.
Yes, he is the sweetest, most caring bundle of joy. With the biggest imagination possible. He is so smart when he is able to sit for more than a couple minutes.
I am doing my best with this whole new thing. I just hope one day you will understand the lengths that I go through every day to make sure that you do not see it. That he has the best possible life.