Sometimes I feel like you get the worst of me.
Sometimes I feel like you might not recognize me anymore.
By the time you get home, I am beyond frustrated with the kids. With them not listening, hitting me, making messes that I am constantly picking up or telling them to pick up. Sometimes I am mad at myself because I didn’t get all the things I wanted to get done for the day. Honestly there just is not enough time in the day. Sometimes I am so frustrated and upset that if I don’t let it out when you get home i might explode. For that I am sorry, you become my target.
You come home from a long day at work, providing for us, at a job that your boss is just so frustrating and you come home to me upset, and mad and storming around. Come home to me demanding the kids go to you instead of me. You come home to me almost in tears because I have tried my best to get the house clean.
When they finally get to sleep, I am running around trying to get the things done that I was just not able to when they were awake, because they are constantly asking me to do this, open this, can you look at this. I get your lunches ready for work, and I get our dinner ready if you came home late. You do your best to stay awake when I try and get the last minute things done so that I am able to some what sleep without stressing that I missed something.
When I finally get to lay down and just close my eyes you try and cuddle and I jerk away “I just need to not be touched for one minute so I can fall asleep”
Or when you call and you are on your way home and you nicely ask “Babe do we need anything?” and I answer the question in a angry tone because I just can’t hold in my frustrations of our son demanding that I hold him while I try and get things done.
You ask me nicely “whats for dinner” and I snap “I have no idea, I will figure it out” When just before you asked me I had to deal with our son asking 2390482039482 times whats for dinner and my frustrations just got sent to you.
I don’t mean to, but you often get the worst of me, the left overs of my very frustrating day. Because honestly all my patience and strength has been used up by the kids. Because honestly motherhood uses so much of my time, and of my brain that I have no idea how to even shut it off at this point and it leaves me with nothing else for anyone else.
But you will always be the one that I loved first. I know you are worried to come home because you dont know what kind of mood I will be in, but if you continue to love me and I love you, showing our kids that we love each other no matter what, will give our kids a sense of security.
So I promise I will do my best to leave room for you at the end of the day, I will do my best to leave some joy and love and patience.
By the time you get home sometimes my affection is just spent. From giving hugs and kisses, and talking to the kids about how their day went. Make sure all of them are doing good. That by the time you get it, I just dont feel like being touched, I just need a minute without human contact. Please dont give up on me, I need you so much, I need your kisses and affection too.
I am sorry that you get snapped on because I have held it in so much during the day so that I don’t blow up on the kids, that you end up getting the snarky comments. So please continue to love me no matter what.
I do think it is time we get some alone time, some time away, what do you think?
I know sometimes, I bottle things up and take the world on my shoulders and I know that you are here to take some of that burden. But please know that I couldn’t do any of this without you.
Watching you ever day, play with the kids, Hold our son for the first time and the love in your eyes every day. You keep me grounded. You keep me from completely loosing my mind at the end of the day because I know no matter what you will walk through those doors, and I feel like I can breath again… I count down till the time you walk through those doors.
So I know that you don’t always get the best of me, but I hope that you will always remember that I loved you first and always will.